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I adopted a cute lil' death fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!
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| dance! |
| 04.30.04 (2:08 pm) [edit] |
theres a dance tonite...its the last dance of the year :tear tear: other then the social, which i still dun have a date for...blah
but ima b all cute n stuff when i dance ::Dances:: ah i cant wait...
i got my outfit set n my makeup already done im ready to go yay! lol i just gotta do my hair n eat something n then im completely ready...
other then that...eh blah
school suked like always, teachers complain i never do my homework but whatever i dont care nemore...
mr allens takin me to the elementry schools on a trip to visit the lil kids n tell em what middle schools really like n how much it sux!
i repainted my nails...black again but this time i did my toes too so now im all black painted (cept for the every other one on my hands)
but newayz, i get to dance tonite :dances: and i get to grind with random ppl that r at the dance :looks around to find no1 n decides to wait till later to grind:
**CanDii**
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| AH! |
| 04.29.04 (3:36 pm) [edit] |
omg i was out taking a walk alittle over an hour ago and here i am dressed like a skank(just for fun) wavin n blowin kisses at all the hott guys driving and who pulls up in a car but my gym/health teacher. i was like um..uh oh? n a guy honked rite while she was pullin up so of course i blew a kiss n now now i dunno whats gunna happen when i see her in school tomorrow...
but not only did i see her i saw my friends parents who always thought of me as sweet and innocent n here i am walkin the main road like ima whore workin the streets tryin to get pimped...ah! :x
damnit i hate this stupid town...i shall move away and um..um...go to cali?ooo sum1 kidnap me to cali!!!
**CanDii**
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| la la la |
| 04.29.04 (1:18 pm) [edit] |
scott took me out into the woods last nite to shoot the gun...we went to an abandoned camp site n collected all the beer bottles n shot em off rocks n stacks of hay(even tho i dunno y hay would b there but...)..newayz in the process of moving one broken bottle off of the hay i got a glass slinter :frowns: its still in there...i cant get it out...
and then me n amanda went for a walk around the woods, and i found 2ticks on me...i screamed like a sissy when i saw em n started freaking out, but i mean heyy if u had this huge full grown tick crawling up ur thigh on ur jeans u would freak too(rite?)
but before that nicole came over to work on our school project...stupid math, i always hated math...
i just got home from taking Destiny (my lil cousin) from takin a walk...i took her to the nail salon to see amanda n robin(scotts mom)...it was pretty fun but i mean u wouldnt believe how many evil looks you get for pushing a baby in a stroller...its like im 14i really dun think i would have a kid, im not like that...
robin told me i should go out with josh(her other son) cuz "he knows how to treat women" as she said it...hes 16, i guess thats not that bad rite?i dunno him that much tho...guess that means shes gunna have me spend more time at the house watching tv and eating kettlecorn with her like we did last nite after me n scott got back from shooting the gun...
**CanDii**
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| i need sum help.... |
| 04.27.04 (5:18 pm) [edit] |
kyles gunna b a pro basketball player, or he might b...
but his decision to go or not reflects what i think he should do. i want him to stay and go to college first cuz he needs an education but on the other hand i wanna b able to see him incredibly happy while out there playin in the nba. and mayb it would spark and interest in basketball that i dont have...but....
he told me that i have alot to do with his decision cuz my opinion means alot to him. but hell i dont wanna hold him back from his dreams and i dunno what to do. i mean i love kyle with all my heart hes a great guy but what am i gunna do without him?and what am i gunna do with him? i mean its so double sided...i just need sum advice...
**CanDii**
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| |~*~| tattoos n gunz |~*~| |
| 04.27.04 (1:51 pm) [edit] |
dan got a tattoo last nite, he showed me today...it looks so cool....i cant wait until i get my tattoo, only 4more years until i get it.. yay?
scotts coming over later tonite to lemme shoot the gun...it kinda sukx that im not allowed to have my own. it would b fun for me to sit outside and take all my anger out on the little targets. granted i already have almost dead aim(which is really good cuz i only learned how to shoot in the late summer n couldnt practice all winter...)i just hope that im as good as i was over the summer...
i no...tattoos n guns rnt the usual topic for a "preppy princess" like me...but heyy what the hell ya no?
**CanDii**
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| i have issues... |
| 04.27.04 (12:50 pm) [edit] |
yes, iv finally come to realize that i have issues, i have major issues n i need help. lots of help, which i dont think im really getting if im makin my therapist cry *sighs* i dont no what im supposed to do...im blah on the inside blah on the outside im hurting all of my friends (or getting hurt by them)
i feel like just falling over on the floor n never getting up...it could work for me, im content if i have food n nestea. no school would b fine, and as long as i have my cds and a good radio station im all set...
great, and now once again i have ppl thinking im mad at them, i didnt do nethin! ugh wtf i have so many problems i need sum1 to come n brain wash me so i dont remember anything and no1 can think im pissed at them if i cant remember them....
i just wish that things were going good for once, i mean for once i want a mother for once i want my family to be ok, for once i want a family dinner at the table instead of in front of a tv for once i want to feel cared about by my family other then nick...
**CanDii**
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| *sighs*... |
| 04.27.04 (12:22 pm) [edit] |
ok so today last period of the day i went to see ms. bragg, well i made her cry. its horrible, i make my own therapists cry....
well i mean she did tell me that i should go with my cousin nick next time i see her (cuz it ended up happening that when i was going in to ms. braggs office he was just leaving...he seemed so suprised to see me there... :giggles: it was funny
but...newayz...
lets see my friends r so ugh lately theyr all "ooh look at me im so cool cuz my parents lemme do whatever" its not rite...its like they shove everything in my face cuz they can do so much more then i cant...its like what the hell?
i talked to marcus last nite...*sighs* i cant wait till summer, kyles supposed to pick me up n bring me back to marcus's house...yay!
although i found out last night that iv moving in with my aunt over the summer...its gunna b hard gettin outa the house if im at aunties but i dunno, ill find a way...
my life was not ment to be dull...and ima add sum excitement to it...(no thankx to the hometown on that one cuz its bout as dull as it can get here...)
welp...all for now...
**CanDii**
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| yay! |
| 04.26.04 (7:01 pm) [edit] |
marcus really does like me!i was talkin to him n kyle about 10min ago n he said he likes me n he wants me to go down to his house over the summer when schools out! ah!!! :so incredibly happy now: ah i dun even no what to say nemore! :D :dances happily around the room: la la la la la la la la la....ok im done...(see how easily i can b amused)
**CanDii**
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| morbid...again |
| 04.26.04 (5:34 pm) [edit] |
i said i wrote twisted poems so...heres the first twisted one i wrote (basically my thrid poem ever written)...
|~*~| I Took My Own Life |~*~|
~Sami (a.k.a CanDii)
And so, I sat there alone
In the darkness of the night
With my razorblade in hand.
I look out the window
For one last time.
I take in the feelings of pain
from what happens outside.
I slide the piece of metal
Down from the top of my arm,
So gently not even to cause a scratch.
When I get to my wrist
I close my eyes in prayer
Hoping I can live better
And that I will not be missed.
I press the razorblade deep into my skin,
And slice across.
I watch as a crimson substance
Drips down my wrist.
As the icy cold blood
Forms a small river
I lay back,
And close my eyes again to watch my past.
As the hurt returns I smile wide.
For this was the night I took my own life.
and again, no im not going to hurt myself... have fun...
**CanDii**
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| morbid... |
| 04.26.04 (4:26 pm) [edit] |
iv just come to realize that when i sit to write things its all morbid and twisted and urky...
not only that but i have not once written something happy...all my suicide poems (and no im not gunna kill myself)...all of my heartbreak and harmful writing...
i never really realized how depressing it is, i never found nethin wrong with it...i guess that was until people started pointing things out telling me that they thought iw as harminng myself (and again im not a cutter/not going to commit suicide)...
:sighs:...still...even when the teacher took my poem in class and read it (couldnt get much worse when ur teacher reads a suicide poem and you no ur in trouble)...ugh i feel so blah on the inside now...
ooo i bet its cuz the fight that i got in...and cuz i hurt him so much but i dunno....:feels so regretful now:
:sighs:
**CanDii**
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| uh oh? |
| 04.26.04 (4:16 pm) [edit] |
i think i did a bad thing, ok so i dont THINK i did a bad thing, come to find out i really dont think at all but!...i hurt a good friend like hurt em really bad...
and i no that it wasnt rite of me to act the way i did but i dunno, i guess it was out of anger
n then i guess it was cuz i found im better at leading on n flirting then commiting....and i mean at least i can accept that for myself but i mean i really hurt him n i feel horrible now :cry: i dunno if hell forgive me....
plz fOrgive and fOrget....
**CanDii**
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| To The Moon And Back |
| 04.26.04 (1:46 pm) [edit] |
alrite...its an old song (from '97)but i just found my cd and i started listenin to it and i realized that this song really describes me...like really ALOT...here it is....
|~*~| To The Moon And Back|~*~|
~Savage Garden....
She's taking her time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one
They're saying, "Mama never loved her much"
And, "Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection"
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him
Chorus
I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?
She can't remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was color blind
All her friends they've been tried for treason
And crimes that were never defined
She's saying, "Love is like a barren place,
And reaching out for human faith
Is like a journey I just don't have a map for"
So baby's gonna take a dive and
Push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that she's hanging
All her hopes on the stars
What a pleasant dream
Chorus
Mama never loved her much
And, Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him
Chorusx2
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| school sux! |
| 04.26.04 (1:17 pm) [edit] |
ugh school sux so much! all day i just sit there n hope that itll b over soon. but noooo it has to last all day and i cant even talk to ppl its not rite....but of course theres always passing notes and joking at my 18minute lunch but its not the point....
the point is i shouldnt have to go to school, i shouldnt have to sit thru the torture of waiting until the bell rings to run out of school to get on a bus n sit there n wait to come home...i shouldnt have to learn! i dont need an edumication i have a good enough one already! or at least i think that i do *ponders that thought for a moment*
well i may not be smart but i no what im doing when it comes to school n theres no reason i should have to go! *stomps feet like a baby* i dont wanna go tomorrow!
alrite im done....
***CanDii***
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| ah! |
| 04.25.04 (7:00 pm) [edit] |
omg kyle said that marcus likes me!and i can get to no him better!! ahh! im soo happy right now! :D ugh i love people now(or at least i think i do)!! :fans self: he likes me he likes me! *dances around the room happily*
**CanDii** :D :D :D
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| Marcus |
| 04.25.04 (6:08 pm) [edit] |
haha, so i met kyles cousin marcus and hes so sweet...hes like the nicest guy and he can really flirt :wink:
i got his pic to...big big lips and damn is he fine! he looks so much older then he really is....hehe
to bad hes not single....:sighs:....
**CanDii**
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| blah |
| 04.25.04 (10:16 am) [edit] |
ok, so i spend the night online(and up until 3am)talkin to ppl and listenin to some music n everythin but when i wake up this mornin(aka when uncle ron woke me up at noon time) mum called n i got in trouble. again!
y...well i guess this time cuz i didnt tell her that she could pick me up so that i could stay later...
but its not my fault that i dont feel like being home cuz moms there!its really not
but besides that i wasnt supposed to b on until 3 and of course i got busted :oops: but that wasnt my fault! i found a cool chat about H.I.M so i mean i had to stay there rite?
**CanDii**
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| at aunties |
| 04.24.04 (5:20 pm) [edit] |
ok so last nite i try to call chris cuz well he told me to, and when i call theres no one home, so me naturally getting pissed off with him made a phone call to sum1 else. yes well while i was on the phone i guess i fell asleep and i was talking in my sleep :oops:
later on today chris told me that he had breaking news at the station so he couldnt leave work to go home BUT thats not the point at all...
and then i get in trouble..y? because well i dunno y...
and then we went to my great grandparents this morning and oh how fun *sarcasm* not only did great grandma make completely rude comments about the night club fire (R.I.P Joe Rossi) but she made me cry! i mean hello i lost my uncle in the fire u would think that u wouldnt say nething about it around me. and then after that she decides to critize the school because we have sports teams! its like wtf!
and then i got in trouble because i was supposed to go home n clean my room but heyy who would wanna do that rite? so instead i came to my aunts..n that was around i dunno 11ish this mornin?
then i baked, and cleaned, and signed up for a magazine, walked to the post office,cut the tags off clothes for the baby, took a walk, went in the attic to get clothes, cut more tags off of clothes for the baby n here i am with a completely empty stomach...
**CanDii**
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I adopted a cute lil' March birthstone fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!
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